Difficult conversations are ones we tend to avoid because they can often make us feel uncomfortable, anxious or self-conscious. Let’s face it, what can be perceived by our brains and bodies as conflict doesn’t come naturally to most people, and for this reason they’re not easy; but once you master how to have difficult conversations in a way that feels authentic to you, they become second nature, satisfying or even enjoyable! Relationships improve, self-respect and respect from others grows. Better outcomes follow.
So, what are difficult conversations? What’s difficult is personal to each of us. We’re all human beings carrying our own experience into our work, so what feels difficult to me might feel easy to others. Generally though, here are some examples of conversations my clients tell me feel difficult for them:
- Offering constructive feedback to others
- Being honest about how they’re feeling
- Pushing back on a boss
- Saying ‘no’
- Letting someone know they crossed a line
- Performance managing a team
Top tips for difficult conversations:
1. Spend time empathising with the other person so that you can anticipate and appreciate their objections or stance. Knowing your audience is the first rule of effective communication! This will help you to come at things from their perspective and create a more empathetic and effective conversation.
2. Simple scripting can work effectively to help build confidence when you are practicing having difficult conversations. It ensures that you cover all of your key points and acts as a comfort blanket for when the adrenaline is pumping. Practicing with a friend is also a great way to get more comfortable with this.
3. Acknowledge to the person you’re talking to that it’s not easy. Be human! Show your vulnerability. This will create rapport and connection and help them to lean into the conversation with respect and empathy rather than respond defensively.
4. Ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? Will this person’s reaction matter in a year from now?
5. Set yourself targets for these. This isn’t about becoming too confrontational, but it’s about flexing your muscles and practicing, as well as defending your own values when they really matter. Which conversations will you prioritise and which will you let go? How many difficult conversations will you have in a week?
6. Reward yourself! It’s tough to have these conversations so plan a treat afterwards which helps you to recognise the effort you have gone to.
Difficult conversations are never the easy option in the short term. But get them right and you enjoy countless long-term benefits.